By Ron Hart
Biden had his recently. Up there they found reporters from CBS, NBC and ABC, as well as some more classified documents. Upon hearing this, Pete Buttigieg said, “Check me, check me!â€
“Proctologist†is a word a man never likes to hear, along with a few others like “testicular,†“ingrown,†“listen,†“ask for directions,†or “let’s cuddle.†But a colonoscopy is something we all have to do.
My procedure went well, but now I know how those sock puppets in the media feel. And to you liberal bloggers out there, the answer is: No, my doctor did not find my head up there.
I don’t listen to instructions well, (I once bookmarked a ransom note), so I really didn’t know what to expect.
First, you have to stop eating the day before and drink a particularly obnoxious concoction called “MoviPrep†plus a lot of Gatorade. This stuff tastes like a mixture of water from Camp Lejeune and East Palestine.
In about 30 minutes, you understand what the “Mov†part of “MoviPrep†means. Then you and the toilet make like a jet ski for the next hour. It’s like that scene from “Dumb and Dumber,†a movie from back when Jim Carrey was funny.
The other thing you may be given is “SupRep,†so named because 15 minutes after you drink it, your stomach looks at you and says, “’Sup?†It is like an angry divorcée at a Buckhead bar after three vodkas: all sort of stuff comes out.
Then a loved one (or someone just looking for entertainment) drives you to the procedure, where you have to fill out reams of paperwork carbon-copied so many times it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. You don’t need to be precise; no one reads your answers. I’ve put down that I am pregnant on the last five doctor visits and never had any questions about it. The front desk person is not only there for inane paperwork and CYA medical releases, but also to boss you around. Customs and Border Patrol and the INS should hire doctor’s office receptionists; let’s just see how many illegals get past them without paperwork!
You meet with the anesthesiologist who, by American Medical Association rules, has to be foreign, unintelligible and socially awkward. If he has “people skills,†he’d have his own 7/11. More mistakes have been made combining a doctor with minimal English language skills and anesthesia than anything in the history of mankind – except maybe bourbon and a pistol.
You then impart critical personal information as you are dozing off under Propofol (the sleep drug not endorsed by Michael Jackson or Bill Cosby). They say it can make you hallucinate and see animals. I remember this because a flying elephant told me.
Everyone asks you about 10 times if you are allergic to anything. My answer remained consistent: Pilates and weak-willed men. Then you wake up, in no pain – but you have this lingering feeling you passed out drunk at Elton John’s Christmas party.
Later, once you can stand up, you are released to go home. It’s the same criterion my bartender uses. You are told you cannot drive that day or (my favorite) “operate heavy machinery.†This fits my lifelong rule: Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery – Ever. I call my assistant into my office to operate my stapler.
Southerners occupy five of the top five positions of the most obese states, which is all the more reason to get a colonoscopy. If Tennessee Williams were to adapt his famous novel about the South today, he’d have to call it “A Streetcar Named Diabetes†and Marlon Brando would be screaming for someone to bring him a “Stella†beer.
You can also use the time to ask your gastroenterologist about the health and lifestyle choices you make and their potential damage to your internal organs. Mine opined that I drank a lot, and I didn’t disagree. I told him that I liked bourbon over ice, Jack Daniels on the rocks, or occasionally, Scotch whiskey on ice. He told me those are really awful for me. So I learned an important health fact: Ice must be bad for you.
A libertarian op-ed humorist and award-winning author, Ron does commentary on radio and TV. He can be contacted at [email protected] or @RonaldHart on Twitter.
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